Helping your child when diagnosed with cancer

Dealing with breast cancer 

I was first diagnosed with Stage 2-b invasive breast cancer as a 43-year-old mother with a young son. I frantically searched for a book to help him understand my illness and what I would be going through in order to get well. There was nothing suitable that would hold his attention. I wanted to be honest with him discussing my surgery and treatment in broad strokes and answering his questions as they arose.

Below are some tips that got us through this painful journey.

This is our story, each family and situation is different; this is simply what worked for us.
• Digest the news of your diagnosis before telling your child. This way, your anxiety and fears will not scare him or her.  Have a few age appropriate books on hand to explain what will be happening.

• Let your child know the news of your illness as early as possible.  This gives the family time before surgery and treatment so the child won't blame him or herself for the sadness that may become apparent in the house. You also don’t want him/ her to hear it from a well meaning neighbor.
• Be honest and don’t hide the diagnosis.  Our son knew something was amiss and tense in our normally happy household. Telling him that mommy was sick and needed some strong medicine, made him realize that my initial depression and tears were not his fault.  He thought it was cool that I would be bald.  Girls at his school clearly did not share this idea!  We gave the cancer the correct name; mommy had breast cancer.
• Let the child take the lead. They will ask in their own time what they wish to know.  One day in the post office my son asked: "Can boys get breast cancer?" The long line of customers leaned in for the answer (which I promptly and honestly answered in the car). “Very few boys or men get breast cancer.  You shouldn’t worry about that, you will be fine.”  This was also a good time for me to mention that he couldn't "catch" cancer.  The question that brought me to my knees was,” Will I be getting a new mom this spring?"  I answered, while holding back the tears, "I will always be your mama no matter what life brings."
• Include the children in the process from treatment to recovery. Quiet games were a must, and kisses and hugs were the very best medicine. We played endless games of chess and bingo. Our son liked to be in charge of bringing me water and getting the “puke bucket”.
• Schedules are important for children but it is perfectly ok and even beneficial to bend the rules as needed. Our son got to watch a bit more TV than usual; he is none the worse for the wear.
• We also had a gift stash.  When I was too weak to even play bingo; we pulled out a new toy. I received many gifts during that time; why not spoil the child a bit as well?
• Children are resilient; just let them know daily that they are loved immensely.
• Give the child room to vent his/her frustrations and anger. I allowed my son to use bad words – only if he shouted them into his closet with the door shut. He was also able to draw all over the walls of the closet (walk-in) as a safe place to express his emotions. He ended up drawing on the door with markers a family portrait including God. We all had pig noses! I wish I saved that door after our remodel.
• Pray!  If you already pray, step it up a few notches. Now is the best time ever to take up prayer with your family.  Faith will help to answer the tough and seemingly unanswerable questions. 

In summary, be yourself, be honest and know that your family will grow from this devastating experience in the most amazing and positive way.

Love and Sex After Children: How to Keep the Flame Alive

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aring for children can be both physically and emotionally draining. If they're not depriving you of sleep or privacy, children definitely deprive you of uninterrupted conversations, romantic dinners, weekends away and unhurried, unscheduled sex. Now for the positive side: Many relationship counselors believe that you can have children and a love life, too.

Dr. Ellen Kreidman, best-selling author of Is There Sex After Kids?, says "one of the best ways to show your children love is by having a loving relationship with your spouse." In fact, Dr. Ellen helps couples become better parents by becoming better partners and lovers.

Three Reasons the Flame Dies After Kids:

1. It's difficult to shift gears. Dr. Ellen says it can be tough switching from the role of parent to lover. Making that transition begins with changing how you refer to your mate. She tells couples to call each other by their pet names. Do not refer to your spouse as "mommy" or "daddy." That's a sure way to prevent your partner from feeling sexy.
2. You take each other for granted. Do you stop what you're doing and greet your spouse with a smile when he or she comes home from work, or do you continue talking on the phone while you assist your child with homework and make the family dinner? Dr. Ellen encourages couples to remember what it was like when they first fell in love and were separated for an entire day. Greet your partner in a way that makes him or her feel like the most important person in your life. Embrace, kiss and ask your mate about his or her day.
3. You're bogged down in routine. Instead of being lovers, people often become working partners. When that happens, couples often end up having routine sex. While you may need to schedule time to be alone when you have children, Dr. Ellen says you can still make your sex life more exciting. Be creative. For example, make love in a room other than your bedroom (and preferably when the kids aren't around). Surprise your mate with sexy lingerie, or call him or her at work and flirt like you did before kids entered the scene.

Have a Love Affair With Your Mate
To avoid giving your spouse "leftover love," you need to schedule time for sex. It's "the best way to ensure intimacy," says Dr. Ellen, who adds that such planning can actually create anticipation. And don't say that you can't find the time. That's a poor excuse for sacrificing your most important relationship. Dr. Ellen says you need to do three times as much to keep your mate as you did to win your mate. Couples should spend one weeknight alone together and one weekend every three months without the kids.

Don't Let Obstacles Get in Your Way
To have a healthy love life after children, it's important to make your relationship with your spouse your top priority. Here are some of the most common obstacles to avoid:

• You can't find a baby sitter. Many couples use this excuse because they feel guilty leaving their kids after working all day. Tell your kids that you need one night a week for grown-up time. Let them help pick a sitter they like and schedule him or her every week for six months. The kids will start to look forward to your night out, too.
• You don't have money for a sitter. Many couples can't afford a sitter every week. Arrange a baby-sitting swap with a neighbor or friend. Or establish a "do not disturb" rule one night a week. Set your children up with a movie, sleeping bags, popcorn and breakfast items for the morning.
• You're too tired to go out. Do it anyway. Going out will decrease your stress. You'll feel energized and relaxed when you return.
• You don't feel romantic. It's common when juggling work and children to feel this way. Start sending positive messages to yourself about your sexuality. Some affirmations that can help are: "I love my body," "I love being touched and touching," "I love sex." If you really can't get in the mood, try sleeping in each other's arms or have your partner give you a massage and see what happens next.
• There's not enough time. Make the time. Wake up early or stay up later. Divide household responsibilities with your partner so you can have some time together. Make the children's dinner and feed them in a separate room while you have a romantic dinner with your spouse.

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